A Field Guide To The American Republican

Republicans (Homo Phobius Americanus) are found all throughout the continental United States, with particular concentrations in the South and Midwest. Good places for spotting many breeds in their natural habitat include stock car races, Christian rock band concerts, and Branson, Missouri. However, as a public service, here's a quick guide to help you identify each major subtype of GOP'er:

• The Top-Hatted Unionbuster: made infamous by their portrayal in Soviet propaganda cartoons of the 1920's, this breed is convinced that any American of any stripe can become the next Railroad Tycoon with a little gumption and elbow grease provided the damn government and its meddling minimum wage and labor laws can stay out of their way. These folks are found in suits and suites around the country, issuing their shrill call: "Out-SOURCE! OUT-source! Cheeeeep cheeep cheeeep labor!" They are often found alongside:
  
  
• The Ferrari'd Trustfundie: named after a famous type of roadster in which they frequently mate, this smugger-than-average breed often matures from rambunctious campus hippie-hating journalism majors into careers in The Family Business, Law, Elective Office, Teaching Grad Students Once a Week, or Giving Speeches.
  
  
• The Hardblowing Windbag: There are actually three Windbag subspecies:
  
  
  • The Disembodied Voice, found on or slightly to the right of the radio dial. This breed will take your calls, make fun of you, and hang up unless you agree with absolutely everything they say.
  • The Talking Head. These folks are almost all related to one of the original Imported Australian Windbags, easily seen on basic cable and known to write books that remind one of the final Windbag subspecies:
  • The Shrill Author, who makes more noise in the pages of a book, newspaper, or vanity blog than most people make after stubbing their toe. These Windbags have transformed their call over the past few years from "Commies! Aaah! Commies!" to "Liberals! Aaah! Liberals!".
  
  
  
• The Paranoid Guntoter: This mainly reclusive species is obsessed with the idea that Democrats will come marching into their homes and rip their stash of AK-47s away from their cold dead hands. Heavily armed, lightly glued, and giving off a distinctive aroma of gunpowder, this breed teaches their chicks to "shoot to kill" from an early age. Often located in deer stands, base housing, underground bunkers, near Charlton Heston movies, and the Vice President's office.
  
  
• O'Reilly's Miffed Culturewarrior: this breed is easily recognized as it has only two vocalizations: either a muttered disgust or a shrill tirade. If you hear one muttering disgust, you can intiate a change to the shrill tirade by turning the conversation to gay marriage, immigration, Hollywood liberals, Air America Radio, or Bill Clinton. Shows a fanatical devotion to the Hardblowing Windbag.
  
  
• The Crossed Lordpraiser: Showing a much wider distribution over the last dozen or so years, this breed nests in churches and can't understand why some other breeds want to separate church and nest, especially since they think (incorrectly, according to the Tweed-Elbowed Democrats) that the country was founded by Lordpraisers like them. Really plans on showing other breeds what's what by being snatched out of thin air leaving all others to suffer years of tribulation. Has much in common with the Culturewarrior but is much more inclined to be OK with a pre-emptive nuclear strike on Iran, hastening the End Times.
  

There are rumors of sightings of the Vanishing Easternus Liberalus, mostly in New York State and even here in Western New England. Forced to adapt to a hostile climate, this breed usually only differentiates itself from Democrats during election years, and is pretty much considered traitorous and untouchable by the other breeds. It is rare and probably a pretender to major office, except perhaps as Secretary of State.

Every once in a while, there is a single specimen that rises above all others and can work well with and reflect the viewpoints of all breeds of American. This one lone Republican has an innate instinct for what's fair, what's right, and how to get people to agree and work together towards a common goal. Usually, however, this specimen is beaten down and urinated upon by every other Republican and only comes out at night, in the dark, chased into madness by the noise, greed, lust for power, and irrationality of the entire process.